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Perfect Imperfections

  • Perfect Imperfections

    Last week on tour there was a night I could not sleep. I was completely exhausted from the 2 previous days of non-stop work, but I lay in my bunk tossing and turning almost all night. There was one thing that bothered me tremendously. I was so upset that another band that we were previously outselling in merchandise after shows was now outselling us. I was completely wrecked by that. It wasn't that we were selling less, they just starting selling more and instead of celebrating it I was so upset that I could not sleep because I, in all seriousness believed that my band deserved to sell more. So arrogantly believed that my band was entitled to something more or that our calling was somehow more sacred than someone else's.

    By the time morning started coming along I couldn’t sleep for another reason. I realized the depravity and the wickedness of my own heart. Of the disease that I allowed into my heart. The disease of sin that completely sapped me of all joy and gratitude for the incredible opportunity my band had to be on this tour in the first place. The opportunity to play music in front of thousands of people at arenas every night. Up to this point I did not believe I was capable of being so jealous of someone else's success. I generally thought I was a good, Christian person.

    I believe that the Holy Spirit did an incredible work in me that night as He showed me just a little bit the true condition of my humanity. The true condition of my heart. There is nothing good in me. The only good comes from my Father. As I began to realize the completely shallow and foolish reason for my unrest I began to pray and confess my sin to my Father. Throughout the rest of that day, instead of carrying the weight of my guilt or shame, it was though as my Father wrapped me in His arms only as a Father can and reminded me of one simple thing – how much He loves me. Throughout the day a simple and unexplainable peace and joy replaced the anxiety in my heart. In a very real way God reminded me that He called me for a greater purpose than performing on stage, making music, or even talking about Him in that music. He called me to be His son. To be part of His body, His church. His prized possession. He called me to obedience to His will so that through that obedience I can be the light of Christ. Not on stage. Not with the songs I sing, but as a person first. To be the same person off stage as I am on stage. Not to portray an image or an idea that I came up with in my head, but to radiate what He is doing in my life. To bring Glory to Him. To point to Him. It's not about me. It's all about Jesus and I pray that He continues to do His work in me. That He continues to mold me and shape me in His image.

    I have never shared my thoughts in the form of blogs or anything of that sort prior to this. However, this experience made a major impression on me and created a change in me. We get hundreds of emails, Facebook messages, and letters from you guys and we absolutely love hearing your stories and what God is doing in your lives. Just wanted to share what God has been doing in mine.
    - Ruslan

    7 Comments Share
    Everfound
Everfound's picture
on January 09, 2014

Last week on tour there was a night I could not sleep. I was completely exhausted from the 2 previous days of non-stop work, but I lay in my bunk tossing and turning almost all night. There was one thing that bothered me tremendously. I was so upset that another band that we were previously outselling in merchandise after shows was now outselling us. I was completely wrecked by that. It wasn't that we were selling less, they just starting selling more and instead of celebrating it I was so upset that I could not sleep because I, in all seriousness believed that my band deserved to sell more. So arrogantly believed that my band was entitled to something more or that our calling was somehow more sacred than someone else's.

By the time morning started coming along I couldn’t sleep for another reason. I realized the depravity and the wickedness of my own heart. Of the disease that I allowed into my heart. The disease of sin that completely sapped me of all joy and gratitude for the incredible opportunity my band had to be on this tour in the first place. The opportunity to play music in front of thousands of people at arenas every night. Up to this point I did not believe I was capable of being so jealous of someone else's success. I generally thought I was a good, Christian person.

I believe that the Holy Spirit did an incredible work in me that night as He showed me just a little bit the true condition of my humanity. The true condition of my heart. There is nothing good in me. The only good comes from my Father. As I began to realize the completely shallow and foolish reason for my unrest I began to pray and confess my sin to my Father. Throughout the rest of that day, instead of carrying the weight of my guilt or shame, it was though as my Father wrapped me in His arms only as a Father can and reminded me of one simple thing – how much He loves me. Throughout the day a simple and unexplainable peace and joy replaced the anxiety in my heart. In a very real way God reminded me that He called me for a greater purpose than performing on stage, making music, or even talking about Him in that music. He called me to be His son. To be part of His body, His church. His prized possession. He called me to obedience to His will so that through that obedience I can be the light of Christ. Not on stage. Not with the songs I sing, but as a person first. To be the same person off stage as I am on stage. Not to portray an image or an idea that I came up with in my head, but to radiate what He is doing in my life. To bring Glory to Him. To point to Him. It's not about me. It's all about Jesus and I pray that He continues to do His work in me. That He continues to mold me and shape me in His image.

I have never shared my thoughts in the form of blogs or anything of that sort prior to this. However, this experience made a major impression on me and created a change in me. We get hundreds of emails, Facebook messages, and letters from you guys and we absolutely love hearing your stories and what God is doing in your lives. Just wanted to share what God has been doing in mine.
- Ruslan

Comments

karae8707's picture

I have had similar moments in my life where I let something bother me with worry and anxiety that my focus is on the world instead of my Lord and Savior. I have a job that is so miserable that I constantly worry about what is going to happen and whether I am successful at it depending on other's approval. So one day I just sat down and prayed to God that I have peace with the situation and I decided to give complete control to God. Because he loves me no matter what and will always be there for me.

katiebugg25's picture

Music_89 is right, everyone has their moments.

music_89's picture

Wow. Thank you for sharing! I think the mistakes you made are things so many people make. It is an easy trap to fall in to, and so I am glad you shared in order for God to use you. People learn and grow from mistakes. One day I hope to tell you guys how God has used you to change and impact me, but I want to do so in person. :) When you spoke of being the same person on & off stage, it is so easy to want to protect ourselves from hurt and so we create this mask. At least that is my struggle. But God calls us to take off that mask. If you or the others ever feel led to share once more, then please do. Everything you spoke of in your blog I can relate to and have struggled with. Except it is in different contexts. :) The talents God has given me differs. :)

fitzwilliam's picture

Thank you for writing that, it is one thing that I struggle with, pointing to some one else and saying that I'm better then they are. I have been trying to shallow my pride and what you wrote just hit me between the eyes.

bjhillbilly's picture

Hey Ruslan - It's Bev. I've definitely "been there - done that" in my own songwriting life, so I hear ya! But it's amazing how God uses our imperfections and failures to draw us closer to Him. I'm gonna send you a co-write called Whisper Peace. It's never been cut, but I can't tell you how many times God has used it in the lives of people close to me who just needed to hear God whispering peace to them Sometimes in the middle of the darkest night. ..... Love you and your family! Miss you! Thanks for being real.

cyclopsgirl14's picture

:) I can totally relate! I remember when I was little, and I found out that one of my really good friends hadn't invited me to her birthday party. It bugged me for the longest time, until I realized that I hadn't even invited her to mine, and that she could be feeling just as hurt as I was. :p :)

Madi's picture

So inspiring! Love you guys!