Last week on tour there was a night I could not sleep. I was completely exhausted from the 2 previous days of non-stop work, but I lay in my bunk tossing and turning almost all night. There was one thing that bothered me tremendously. I was so upset that another band that we were previously outselling in merchandise after shows was now outselling us. I was completely wrecked by that. It wasn't that we were selling less, they just starting selling more and instead of celebrating it I was so upset that I could not sleep because I, in all seriousness believed that my band deserved to sell more. So arrogantly believed that my band was entitled to something more or that our calling was somehow more sacred than someone else's.
By the time morning started coming along I couldn’t sleep for another reason. I realized the depravity and the wickedness of my own heart. Of the disease that I allowed into my heart. The disease of sin that completely sapped me of all joy and gratitude for the incredible opportunity my band had to be on this tour in the first place. The opportunity to play music in front of thousands of people at arenas every night. Up to this point I did not believe I was capable of being so jealous of someone else's success. I generally thought I was a good, Christian person.
I believe that the Holy Spirit did an incredible work in me that night as He showed me just a little bit the true condition of my humanity. The true condition of my heart. There is nothing good in me. The only good comes from my Father. As I began to realize the completely shallow and foolish reason for my unrest I began to pray and confess my sin to my Father. Throughout the rest of that day, instead of carrying the weight of my guilt or shame, it was though as my Father wrapped me in His arms only as a Father can and reminded me of one simple thing – how much He loves me. Throughout the day a simple and unexplainable peace and joy replaced the anxiety in my heart. In a very real way God reminded me that He called me for a greater purpose than performing on stage, making music, or even talking about Him in that music. He called me to be His son. To be part of His body, His church. His prized possession. He called me to obedience to His will so that through that obedience I can be the light of Christ. Not on stage. Not with the songs I sing, but as a person first. To be the same person off stage as I am on stage. Not to portray an image or an idea that I came up with in my head, but to radiate what He is doing in my life. To bring Glory to Him. To point to Him. It's not about me. It's all about Jesus and I pray that He continues to do His work in me. That He continues to mold me and shape me in His image.
I have never shared my thoughts in the form of blogs or anything of that sort prior to this. However, this experience made a major impression on me and created a change in me. We get hundreds of emails, Facebook messages, and letters from you guys and we absolutely love hearing your stories and what God is doing in your lives. Just wanted to share what God has been doing in mine.